When I'm tempted to despair
When I think all hope is gone
I type in 'Bridget Riley Maidenhead
And think "Hell, yeah, let's move on!"
Note: for the average lad, 'Bridget Riley's Maidenhead' can be hard to take
Note 2: this no longer works unless you add 'Serenity'. Go figure.
If can keep your head while all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
Is it possible that you need further training
In the safe use of the office guillotine?
If you can keep your head while all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you -
Hell, take that guillotine and when kids flout you
As we all know some are inclined to do -
Cut off their heads - you know they'll hardly miss them
Not having used them much since they were small
Except to hunt down folks like you and diss them
Cut them down then, diving, take that fall
That always gets the referee's attention
While others on their team are playing foul
Which winds some players up to useful tension
So that they lose their rag, throw in the towel
And go and catch a ball from cleaner players
In games where thieving scumbags are not proud
Where skill still matters - skills in many layers
Not money, fame, good lawyers and bad crowds
*Note: if you're feeling justified, you're about to do something bad. No one justifies the good stuff.
'If' regularly makes it into the 'best of ' list yet Kipling thought it played into the hands of the 'Win! Win!' brigade and contributed to the death in battle of almost a whole generation of boys including his own son.
I
This is set in the Buffyverse to the tune of Giles' song in Once More With Feeling
I wasn't ready to let you go
Tried to keep you but now I know
The gift you gave me it's time to let it grow
And I...
I felt so empty all I had was need
I broke you open so I could feed
And then I turned from you
I wouldn't see you bleed
And I...
I wish I had done the right thing
When you tried to make me see
Wish I had earned your love back
Before you came to me
Wish I could say I loved you all the way
The way that you loved me
Goodnight sweet princess now I must try
To let you go - to let you fly
To be my guiding light not just my alibi
And I...
I hope I can find the right words to honour you at last
Hope I can seek forgiveness with every spell I cast
Now I can see
My angel now I see
It's time to set you free
It's time to set you free
Teeming and Lading sounds so banal that no one can even remember it
But the effects of the fraud are quite final - it'll take your organisation and dismember it
It's usually not a deliberate fraud - looks innocent like most lobster cages
Life is hard and - 'Hey, I'm a genius I am! We'll pay this tax bill from next month's wages!'
If it becomes habitual,
Here's what you will find
However much you may try to catch up,
You'll fall further and further behind
There are three ways to try Teeming and Lading
You can do it with stock, time or money
If it's stock or money it's simple -
You get caught, you're off to Barlinnie
Here's what you should know
Whichever one you choose
There's no way you can win now
You've decided to lose
Our gap was some years and counting
Which made me lose sleep at nights
And it got me and my manager
Into some hideous, horrible fights
He said it was business as usual
He called it a manageable load
It wasn't him looking through seven lever arch files
For one retrieval request for one client code
You can't slowly phase out Teeming and Lading -
Show it the door, hand it its coat
But if you leave the door open by even a crack
It's back, with its tongue down your throat
My husband said 'Tupping and Ladling'
And at the risk of you thinking me crude
If that was its name, that would neatly explain
Why I'm feeling quite so misconstrued.
There's something I'd like to get off my chest
For 26 years I've been feeling oppressed
"There's just no demand for that size dear
"(though you're the third one who's asked today)
"Go up a strap size - come down a cup size
"That's really all I can say."
26 years I've been hearing that
Thinking "Something here's not right:
"I want to give them my money -
"They want to give me a fight!"
So I'm walking down Bearwood High Street
On a Tuesday (that's important) on the way to the shops
When something catches the corner of my eye
So I stop.
It's a newspaper article about Amrit, the award-winning bra doctor
Seeing hundreds of women in ill-fitting bras really shocked her
Her mission and vision are simple -
You want to but the right size? You can -
You want double A? She's your lady;
You want triple J? She's your man
As it were.
I've read it three times now: I'm loitering
I'm feeling a bit of a twit.
I march up to the counter and say
"Yes - I'd like a fit!"
As it were.
She said, "You just wait right there, dear"
Well, the queue was out the door.
But I wasn't going anywhere
Some things are worth waiting for.
Straight away I felt in safe hands -
That Goldilocks moment - just right
Daddy Bear's in for some fun tonight!
So now I am a walking advertisement, me -
And if you're curious, 32 double D
If you're feeling a little down-hearted
If your self esteem's in bits
If you know you could use a bit of a lift
I've one thing to tell you and it's
Put your cheque book in your pocket
Take yourself off to Amrit's
If you're longing to feel liberated
burn your bra
And then buy one that fits!
When I am old, I will puke purple
19 rum and blacks and Bob's your drunken uncle
I will have surgery on my tongue to subdue the bickering young
With its forked flickering
My children will divorce me, sue their mother
For custody of each other
And I will stand on street corners
Saying: you should stay away from convents
You would never make a monk
Just, if you're drunk do not get pregnant
If you're pregnant don't get drunk
Then I will go and be a cockleshell hero, noble
In some new Dunkirk or Chernobyl
Violet Szabo in wrinkles she earned but never wore
When I am old, let me puke purple
And now the end is near and One must face One's last red carpet
Subjects One will make it clear then One will pause for tea and crumpets
To think One did all that and may One say not in a fun way
Oh no, oh no not One - One did it One's way
Regrets, One has a few and what they are One need not mention
Flick through any tabloid - discard the half that's pure invention
To think One would do such things? Well may One say and say quite plainly
Such things just weren't done in One's day
For what is One - what has One got?
A handbag - a palace - you know, One used to have a yacht
To say apt words to those who kneel
Then stand for hours in stiff court heels
To say 'is not' and never 'ain't'
To think the world smells of fresh paint
To have Americans call One quaint
One has done it One's way
